A few years ago I saw a movie where two grandparents were at the dinner table talking with a confused grandchild. Their grandchild shocked them by saying it’s impossible and unreasonable to think that you could have sex with the same person all your life, to just have one lover, to just be happy with only person all your life.
As I think about that movie scene, I want to scream “That is bunk!” It’s not only possible to be monogamous for life, it’s what brings the most satisfaction!
I’m blessed. No doubt about it, I’m a lucky guy. My wife Tammy and I have been married for over 26 years now, and for some reason, I’m drawn to her more now than ever. It’s hard to explain, and I’ll try to unpack this, but I find Tammy more attractive and more desirable sexually as the years go by. It’s as if I’m seeing her for the first time as the years pass. She keeps getting more beautiful and more desirable to me, and I think it’s because of the keys I’ll share here.
And, in case you are nervous, I’ll keep this post G rated.
You would think getting married as teenagers, that our sexual peak would’ve come and gone by now. Or, you might think that as the years transform our appearance, with my young bride now in her mid-40’s she would no longer “do it” for me, and I would not find her as attractive as when we met. You’d be dead wrong to think so. She is drop dead gorgeous to me.
I find myself continually daydreaming about Tammy, and when we are together I can’t keep my eyes off of her. She is hotter than ever in my eyes. I can’t keep my hands off her if we walk past each other in the kitchen. If I leave the living room, I want to go past her and kiss her, or squeeze her… I simply can’t get enough of her.
Before I go much further, let me clarify an important point. You might wonder, does this mean we never have arguments or get angry with each other? Are we in some Utopian parallel universe? No, we live in the real world, and we have arguments. We disagree like every other couple. We frustrate each other from time to time too.
So, what’s the key to finding a fulfilling sex life?
How do you continually fall in love with the same person over a lifetime? Certainly relationship studies show that infatuation fades over time, usually within the 1st 2 years of a relationship. You might think by now that I’m crazy; after all, most marriages end in divorce and many marriages suffer frustration. Being satisfied and fulfilled by your spouse is a series of choices you make.
For starters, don’t complain about your spouse to your friends. I have never complained about Tammy to any of my friends. Again, we do have normal and healthy arguments. We are not always happy with each other every second of the day. But I do not critique and talk trash about Tammy when I’m upset. Don’t dwell on the negative, or soon that’s all you’ll see. Once you start talking negatively about your spouse to others, you begin to reinforce within your psyche your spouse is inferior, and you deserve better… Deal with your conflicts, handle your problems, and work things out with your spouse without smearing their reputation amongst your friends.
It’s not hard to find your spouse irresistible, when you think about it, it’s fairly simple. Job said, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” (Job 31:1) This means you purposely don’t stare at the opposite sex. If you allow yourself to lust over someone other than your spouse, you sabotage your own satisfaction in your bedroom. Don’t look at porn. Men, don’t pick up the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. Once you go down the path of looking at someone other than your spouse to arouse yourself, you forfeit the satisfaction the God intended for you by blessing you with your spouse.
This isn’t a post on porn, but I will say if you are into porn, you only hurt yourself and hurt the chances of being satisfied with your spouse. Take this to heart too, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV) I like that, be “drunk” with your wife’s body.
Another key ingredient to having a great sex life is having a mutual desire to please each other, in and out of the bedroom. If you can’t be courteous and do nice things, or offer compliments to your spouse throughout the day, you shouldn’t be surprised if your sex life is mediocre. I try everyday to tell Tammy she looks good or tell her how what she is wearing looks good, and I try everyday to thank her for even the small things. We also share life’s responsibilities together. If I grill dinner, and she prepares the sides, I try to thank her. This spills over into the bedroom too. We actually like to please each other, neither of us are “selfish lovers” as the saying goes. If you want a great sex life, it starts with wanting to please your spouse, over fulfilling your own needs.
Once you aim for pleasing your spouse, like magic, you find deeper satisfaction than ever. And, you need to be behind closed doors as often as possible with your spouse. Consider what Paul wrote, “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:1-5 ESV)
Another important key to a great sex life is having fun, yes in and out of the bedroom. Laugh together. Tammy and I laugh together so hard at times we cry. When I say have fun in the bedroom, I’m not simply talking about the mechanics of the act itself, I mean actually learn to laugh when something comical happens.
And realize sex is a gift. It is meant to be enjoyed. I couldn’t narrow down the Song of Solomon to just one quote here, though I’ll share a quote in the end. God has a plan for marriage, and if you’ve ever read the Song of Solomon, you know that a steamy bedroom is part of the magic… There are so many verses in the Song of Solomon illuminating the pleasures of sex, I will just recommend you read it in its entirety to gain a better understanding that sex is meant to be enjoyed.
A great sex life requires a lot of communication. It requires a little coaching too. You’d be amazed the doors you can open when you mutually express what you enjoy. Don’t be shy with your spouse, you are married after all :-) I’d add to this too, text messages throughout the day about how you miss each other and how you are looking forward to reconnecting that night can really fan the flames!
A great sex life is built on a balance of spending time together and time apart. Growing up, our next door neighbors were postal workers. They had the same shift at the post office. They were together all day, every day. They divorced after about 10 years because they got sick of each other. We need to be together with our spouses as often as possible, but we also need time apart. Too much time apart opens you up for temptations (look back up at the I Cor 7 passage), but the proper amount of time apart builds anticipation and you can’t wait to be back in each other’s arms. When I miss Tammy, because one of us are out of town, I go crazy thinking about her.
A spicy sex life really begins when we follow God’s plan, and that might sound strange to some reading this. God gave us the gift of sex to be enjoyed. It bonds us to our spouses, and brings unlimited pleasures to life. Pursue your spouse with a deep passion, and crowd out of your mind any thoughts that don’t have anything to do with your spouse’s satisfaction. We are living proof that two people can be together (going on three decades now) and stay madly in love, in and out of the bedroom. I want to encourage you, if your marriage is stagnant or stale, or you’ve slipped up, God is a God of 2nd chances. Maybe try reading the Song Of Solomon to your spouse, pray for God’s blessings, and purposely reignite that spark that first set your heart on fire.
“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7 ESV)